PM Bad Advice

I wrote and continue writing small fun and silly poems that contain “Bad Advice for PM”. They explore different project situations in a fun way and provide advise to PM on how to behave in each given situation. In reality, however, these advises are “bad advises” and should NOT be followed.

Protect the Schedule!


If you build a project schedule
And successfully baseline it,
You should now protect it doggedly,
Guard it like a pot of gold.

When your client tells you suddenly
That the project scope is changing,
You should cross your arms protectively
And your answer should be “NO”.

Look annoyed, appear frightening,
Blow through your nostrils like a bull,
Keep this stance until your client
Feels defeated and backs away.

***

xxx

Motivating a New Team Member


When you get that perfect business analyst
On your team (and dotted line to you),
Use your motivation skills and influence
To make sure she performs her best:

Tell her that you’re very, very powerful,
That you can promote her if she’s good;
Promise her to quickly raise her salary
If your project is a big success.

Also say that if she can’t deliver,
If she takes vacations or sick days,
Documents some poorly done requirements
And does not coordinate a JAD,
You’ll report her to her “solid” manager,
You’ll report her to IIBA,
You’ll make sure she is hated dearly,
Or that she may simply lose her job.

She will perform.

***

Decision Making Skills


If used effectively, decision making skills
Increase the chances of successful projects.
So next time, use this quite effective drill
To make a critical decision for your project:

Make your decision on your own account –
You should not trust your team with such a task!
Then call an urgent meeting and announce
Your wonderful decision all at once.

Look at reactions; look at peoples’ faces,
And ask your team if they are in agreement,
And if you feel the slightest of resistance,
You should assume the following position:

Make sure your face is frowned and very grumpy,
Start shaking, emanate some words of anger,
Blame your whole team for not cooperating
And even spit in anger (just a little)…

Your team should understand that it’s important
To always be in a complete agreement
With their Project Manager’s decisions
That serve the project’s and the team’s best interests.

***

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